The dark before the dawn. 

This last couple of weeks has been wobbly to say the least. Some days have felt so hard and then I have a day being ok and then I do too much and feel like crap again the next day!!! One day I will learn what pace is good for me!!!

I have started this post so many times and feel it’s really difficult to write mainly because I like to have everything tied up in a pretty box with a bow on top before I talk about them but this isn’t like that and I really wanted to write something about what it’s like to be in the darkness holding a light but didn’t want people to read it and feel sorry for me or for people I know to worry too much. However I’ve decided that this is what I am currently facing, I want others to know it’s ok to not have it all packaged nicely and over with before we share and also my days are like this sometimes and that’s just that. So if you are a friend or family member, don’t let this post worry you, currently this can be my norm and I’m ok with that.

Right now, life feels messy and unpredictable most days. I struggle sometimes to have the energy to do things, infuriatingly not because I’m lazy but because my mind is in overdrive and it takes so much energy to do the simplest of things when depression is in full swing. I find it difficult to plan things because I don’t know how I feel day to day and I absolutely hate letting people down. My thoughts race and tell me that I’m not good enough, that I’m not good at being a mum, friend, wife etc, my CBT skills fight that off because I do know now that this isn’t true however doing all this is tiring. All in all it’s hard and messy.

My husband loves films with a message and the medium of film really speaks to him. One of his favourite quotes from a film is this from The Dark Knight:

The night is darkest just before the dawn

I think it’s a great quote and reminds me so often that there is always a dawn, and even when my depression seems at it’s very darkest, there will be a sunrise. I don’t think it’s a mistake that so much of our world works in cycles. The seasons change (more or less so in different countries but very few have no seasons at all), day and night happen and even our sleep happens in cycles.

Cycles or seasons are healthy, they allow us time for rest and time for activity, time for mourning, time for joy, time for people and time to be alone and for me they remind me in a time of depression that there will be a healthy time too. They remind me when my thoughts are racing that my mind will still again, when it feels too hard to wake up that I will have energy again and when I feel like I don’t enjoy anything anymore that I will have that exuberance and zest for life again soon.

Season are also not very often exclusively good or bad. I have found that in this season I have learnt a huge amount about myself and others, I have felt so loved and supported by those around me and I continue to learn about being honest and recognising the truth when your mind is telling you something else. These are all positives and there are so many more. I’ve found there is a comfort in acknowledging the season for what it is both good and bad whilst also looking forward to what is to come.

When I write with hope, I don’t write to tell you that you or I have to be ok right now just that one day things will be different and actually that hope is often what can keep a person going. My prayer for this blog is that by sharing my story, I give others insight into this horrid illness and show solidarity and share my experiences with those currently suffering. One day, I will read this blog when I’m in a new season and it will seem like a long way from where I am but for now it is messy, unpredictable and pretty tough at times but I’m going to do my best in it.

Best of Worst
Advertisements

10 thoughts on “The dark before the dawn. 

  1. I can relate to those days where its impossible to summon the energy to do anything or to make a decision, its not a nice feeling and unless you have been there its hard for those around you to understand. But recognising it and finding a coping mechanism is the way to get through those days or just to accept that maybe thats where you are now but it won’t be like that forever. As you say depression comes in waves and seasons and there is no predicting it. Thank you for sharing your story, I am sure you are helping many people and also its insightful for your friends and loved ones to know exactly where you are right now.
    It will get better…you will get better xx

    Like

  2. I’ve fought the long battle with depression. I wish I had had blogs like yours at the time to let me know I wasn’t alone. The more we talk about it, the more we take the stigma out of mental health issues. Thanks for being brave and sharing your story.

    #bestandworst

    Like

  3. All I can say is that you’re such a brave woman for sharing this horrible illness you’re now battling, as I know most people will just keep it to themselves. Again thank you for sharing your story, this had inspired me and hopefully other people too! #bestandworst

    Like

  4. Thanks for sharing. I can imagine it was not an easy post to write but therapeutic, I hope. It’s so important to get the message out about depression so those unaffected by it can understand the illness and for those who suffer to find support and inspiration. #besandworst

    Like

  5. This is a fabulous post and you have made depression in some ways, a lot easier to understand. I like the way you have compared it to seasons. I really hope this blog helps you and others (which I’m sure it will) and in time, as you say, a new season begins for you. It sounds like you always have that to fall back on and I wish you all the best. Thanks so much for sharing this brave post with #bestandworst and see you soon lovely xxx 🙂

    Like

    1. Wow thank you what a lovely comment. I really hope that I will see a new season soon but grateful I’m not in the season I was too. Thanks for stopping by 🙂 love joining in with #bestandworst thanks for hosting x

      Like

  6. This is beatifullybeautifully written. I have never been in a very dark place but I have been at the edge. Cycles come and go it is true, i hope your sunrise comes soon x #bestandworst

    Like

  7. Thank you for this courageous post and paving the way for others to admit to their struggles. I have been battling in the depths of depression for quite a long time. I’ve shared it with some people but hidden it from a lot, probably fearing that they might think less of me or recoil from me. And possibly feeling the shame of being unable to cope with things that have happened to me.

    Yesterday was an especially dark, hopeless day. I felt lethargic and weepy and spent the day moping. Encouraged by an older, wise friend, I decided to open up and reveal just how bad I was feeling. I spoke honestly about the situation and my lack of hope and bitterness. My friend had had her fair share of dark days and she recalled them. Her memories made me feel less alone and also gave me hope that these things do pass. Today I’ve been very tired but so much lighter and brighter in my outlook. I’m sure the talking about the ugliness was the key to this. I didn’t try to make things look better than they were. I’m sure that the more we share the ugliness of our experiences the sooner we will move through them. The support of trustworthy friends is essential in this, but together we can help one another through these trials to the other side.

    I look forward to reading more of your blogs. xxx

    Like

    1. Hi Karen, wow thanks for your encouragement. You have encouraged me to get writing again! I hope that the dark days will soon pass for you so you can have a more Spring like season. Please keep in touch,
      Spring mum 😀

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s