This last couple of weeks has been wobbly to say the least. Some days have felt so hard and then I have a day being ok and then I do too much and feel like crap again the next day!!! One day I will learn what pace is good for me!!!
I have started this post so many times and feel it’s really difficult to write mainly because I like to have everything tied up in a pretty box with a bow on top before I talk about them but this isn’t like that and I really wanted to write something about what it’s like to be in the darkness holding a light but didn’t want people to read it and feel sorry for me or for people I know to worry too much. However I’ve decided that this is what I am currently facing, I want others to know it’s ok to not have it all packaged nicely and over with before we share and also my days are like this sometimes and that’s just that. So if you are a friend or family member, don’t let this post worry you, currently this can be my norm and I’m ok with that.
Right now, life feels messy and unpredictable most days. I struggle sometimes to have the energy to do things, infuriatingly not because I’m lazy but because my mind is in overdrive and it takes so much energy to do the simplest of things when depression is in full swing. I find it difficult to plan things because I don’t know how I feel day to day and I absolutely hate letting people down. My thoughts race and tell me that I’m not good enough, that I’m not good at being a mum, friend, wife etc, my CBT skills fight that off because I do know now that this isn’t true however doing all this is tiring. All in all it’s hard and messy.
My husband loves films with a message and the medium of film really speaks to him. One of his favourite quotes from a film is this from The Dark Knight:
The night is darkest just before the dawn
I think it’s a great quote and reminds me so often that there is always a dawn, and even when my depression seems at it’s very darkest, there will be a sunrise. I don’t think it’s a mistake that so much of our world works in cycles. The seasons change (more or less so in different countries but very few have no seasons at all), day and night happen and even our sleep happens in cycles.
Cycles or seasons are healthy, they allow us time for rest and time for activity, time for mourning, time for joy, time for people and time to be alone and for me they remind me in a time of depression that there will be a healthy time too. They remind me when my thoughts are racing that my mind will still again, when it feels too hard to wake up that I will have energy again and when I feel like I don’t enjoy anything anymore that I will have that exuberance and zest for life again soon.
Season are also not very often exclusively good or bad. I have found that in this season I have learnt a huge amount about myself and others, I have felt so loved and supported by those around me and I continue to learn about being honest and recognising the truth when your mind is telling you something else. These are all positives and there are so many more. I’ve found there is a comfort in acknowledging the season for what it is both good and bad whilst also looking forward to what is to come.
When I write with hope, I don’t write to tell you that you or I have to be ok right now just that one day things will be different and actually that hope is often what can keep a person going. My prayer for this blog is that by sharing my story, I give others insight into this horrid illness and show solidarity and share my experiences with those currently suffering. One day, I will read this blog when I’m in a new season and it will seem like a long way from where I am but for now it is messy, unpredictable and pretty tough at times but I’m going to do my best in it.