Why am I not better?

It’s been just over a year since I was properly diagnosed with PND so naturally I’ve reflected a little on the past year recently. In this year, I’ve realised a lot. I’ve realised that my PND started probably 3-4 months after Tigger was born or perhaps even earlier,  I’ve realised that depression is so hard to live with for me and those around me, I’ve realised that as a naturally smiley, positive person i look like I’m coping even when I’m struggling. I’ve also realised there is no quick fix in this situation, probably the hardest realisation.

When I have a cold or a sickness bug, there is an assumption that after a few days of feeling rough each day will be better and eventually I will wake up snot or nausea free and continue as the same person I was before the cold or sickness set in. With PND it’s different, it’s not a steady incline to the top again, it’s an unpredictable, bumpy ride of ups and downs and I won’t necessarily ever be the same person I was before I got ill which is a bizarre thought. 

I think as someone who likes to be doing ok, likes to be moving forward, doing new things and perhaps likes to be in control (haha) I find the unpredictability one of the toughest things to face. I like to make and keep to plans and I love seeing people, helping out where I can and being there for others. Depression makes this much harder. I don’t want to be someone who uses it as an excuse but my capacity right now is nowhere near what it was before tigger came along and I’m slowly having to adjust to this being the case. 

I also would love to know when I will be better. When will I no longer wake up some days feeling like the simplest things are hard work? When will I not have huge anxieties over whether I’m good enough or not? When will I be able to drop down on my medication and stay there? 

These are questions that no one can answer because every case and situation is different. Most of the time I’m ok with not knowing the answers but sometimes it is overwhelming to think how long this may be with me for but I also know that I am doing alright and I hold tight to the hope that one day I will be depression free and in the meantime my aim is be honest with others about where I’m up to and keep on going one day at a time.



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